Easter Weekend

Hey mom,

Today was good Friday.  It has been two days since your funeral and last night was the first night that I didn't cry before falling asleep.  I honestly thought I was going to have a good day with no tears.  Thoughts are one thing and far from reality sometimes.  Today's message was put into the perspective of losing a loved one.  How appropriate!  Of course, the tears spilled down my cheeks and if anyone could relate to that sermon more it was us.

After the service we stopped by dad's to visit with him for awhile.  I often glance into your room to see your bed made with your two bibles neatly placed on top.  I put them there to give dad comfort.  Today when I glanced in I noticed your bibles were not placed one on top of the other.  I also noticed your favourite jeans and a green blouse of yours laid out for you.  I am not sure how they got there but I imagine dad placed them there.  I think he had a rough night without you last night.  I invited him to Jim and Rose's on Easter Sunday.  I hope and pray that he comes.

This afternoon we went to Roland and Linda's for a fish fry in honour of Good Friday.  It was fun but Malakai had too much sugar and lost his temper in front of everyone.  The screaming display embarrassed me and made me want to walk right out the front door and go home.  He had said he didn't like me and that I was mean. There would have been a time where Malakai saying that would have made me snap back at him.  Today, that comment stung.  Michelle made a comment about how "it must hurt like heck to have your mom die when you yourself are so young."  Die!  Wow!  What a cold, scary word.

I think about the future and raising my kids in this crazy world.  Today I feel a sting of panic.  How will I ever cope without your encouragement, your words of wisdom, and your prayers?  Please pray for Malakai!  Pray that God will help me into raising him into a wonderful, happy, young man.

Why didn't I pray on the phone with you?  I know that you wanted me to, but pride got the best of me.  Please forgive me!  If I could take time back, even for a week, I would have prayed for you ... With you!  I still don't know how to make the regrets go away.  I don't know how to forgive myself.  I am my worst enemy.

Maybe if I just imagine you in the hospital tonight, I can get through the night thinking that I still have tomorrow.

Love you Mom!
Forever and Always,

Tammy

There's a hole in my heart

Dear Mom,

How do you start a letter to someone knowing that you will never get a reply?  I have so many things to say to you but I don't know where to start.  It has been seven days since you left us and each day only gets harder.  Blaine keeps telling me to talk to you but I struggle with that.  If only I could really "talk" to you.  I thought that things were supposed to get easier but today I feel like I am numb and sitting in a haze.  I don't know if this will be a good healing process for me or if it will only make things worse.  I need to try though because today I don't feel as if things could'nt get any better.

Right now I feel as though something heavy is sitting on my chest and I can't breath.  I don't want to go to work, I don't want to clean my house, I don't even want to respond to a fire call.  I wish I could go to your house... curl up in your lap and just cry.  I want to sit back, lean up against your legs and feel your hands run through my hair again.  Last night I thought I was going to lose it entirely.  I can't imagine that you are not here with us any more.  I can't fathom going through anything without you.  This morning the phone rang and I heard Malakai answer it.  "Hi Opa" he says, so excited.  It made me think of how excited Ginny would get when you called her.  "Hi Nana" she would say.  She is taking your leaving us quite difficult.  She has cried lots but she keeps saying how glad she was that you made it to her play at school.  What a gift that was to her.

Oh mom, I miss you!  My heart hurts so much for you.  I want so bad to call you right now.  I sit here with the phone beside me and I am so lost.  How many times did we talk each and every day?  Sometimes half a dozen.  I would call to tell you silly things the kids said, or just call to say I love you!

I have so many regrets but I am trying not to dig those up right now.  Blaine keeps telling me to think about the good times that we shared.  The first thing that popped into my mind was our picnics at the river.  You loved going to the river and just sitting in the sun, watching the kids play.

I am glad that spring is just around the corner.  Had this been the beginning of winter it might have been harder to process and less things to take our minds off of our emptiness.  My computer room is so full of flowers that you would have been so excited had you been here to enjoy them.  Soon though, we will be able to sit along the river again and perhaps go for some walks with dad to look at the birds and such.  Thinking about the days ahead only remind me of Easter weekend only days away, followed by Mothers Day, and then Keegan and my birthdays.  How will we ever cope?

Take care mom, soak up every minute with our Jesus and please ask him to give me comfort right now.  I need a whole lot.

I will write again soon, perhaps next time I will tell you all about your funeral.  

Love you forever,
Tammy