A trip down memory lane

WHEN I LOOK AT YOU GIRL - He stuck by me through all the crushes I went through, the stories I told and the tears I shed.  One day as we were on our way back from one of our 4x4ing excursions he slipped in a CD by Chris Ledoux and put on a specific song.  He asked me to listen to the words and told me that he really liked the song.  To be honest ... I still don't think I caught the drift but shortly after, he won my heart and this has always been his song to me.   I love you Blaine Anderson!

 

Time

When I look into the mirror I see a person that I don't recognize.  I can't pin point the exact difference but I feel as though years have passed in just 12 months.

This Christmas has just fallen upon us without any warning what so ever!  Like all things this year, I have taken on responsibilities that I rather not have.  Mom loved Christmas!  She loved finding such unique ways to present each grand kid with $20.00.  She loved to bake all sorts of mixed match cookies to bring to church and to Christmas Eve.  Each Christmas she would be so sick but she was still determined to come and spend time with her family.  Out of all the Christmas' that I remember, there was only one Christmas that she missed and that was because she had the stomach flu.  This Christmas there will be an emptiness.  One that everyone will try not to acknowledge and try to carry on through.  It just won't be the same without her.

When I look at this picture I remember how sick she was with Pneumonia last Christmas.  I had a skit that night and she wanted to be there to watch me.  She barely made it into her seat but she did!!! As I recited my lines I looked out into the audience and there she was ... face towards me, eyes closed, with a smile on her face, praying to her Jesus.  I wonder now if she new.  Did he tell her time was precious?  Did she know than that it would be her last Christmas?  Time is so precious and so short.  For the last year we have done so much struggling.  Struggling with each other, with teachers, and family.  Like anyone would ... I wish that I could turn back time and do it differently.  I wish I could stop time and keep her forever.

As I look at this beautiful picture that I took on Christmas Eve of last year I am reminded of her faith, her heart and her patience.  I know life is rough.  I know that time will not stop and that it can not be turned back but I am also reminded to look ahead, put a smile on my face, close my eyes and thank God for the time that I have and for holding onto me in the time ahead.  

Goodbye

The house is empty.  All that resembled an elderly couple living there are gone.   Nothing shows that they raised a family of five and enlarged their family by 15 grand and great grandchildren.  

As I stood in the archway between the kitchen and the porch I could see my mom standing by the counter, preparing breakfast, so excited that we had stopped by.  I could see my dad sitting at the head of the table asking what was taking his breakfast so long.  "Would you like some tea?"  Mom would ask.  "I made your favourite.  If you stay and visit for awhile I could make some potato pancakes for you.  I even have some cinnamon buns in the fridge that I could put in the oven for Blaine."  She loved feeding her family.  When I turned to walk out the door I caught a glimpse of the living room where they always sat.  The oak trim and shelving, a gift of Dad's handy work.  I saw my dad sitting in his chair watching something on t.v while my mom relaxed in her chair taking a much needed nap.  She would open her eyes and smile.  "I am so glad you came to visit."  "Lets find a really good movie on t.v."  She loved to watch movies with us and the kids.  

I take one last look around, whisper "goodbye" and walk out the door closeing it behind me.  As I turn the lock it feels as if I am safely locking all my memories inside.  

I feel like I am leaving a piece of my mom there.  

The next time someone opens this door it will be their home.  A home with no memories.  A story filled with blank pages, ready to come to life. 

As I walk down the steps and make my way to the truck I take one last glance up to where my attic bedroom was supposed to be.  I remember sitting up on that balcony dreaming with my friend of where we would put my bedroom furniture and how we would spend our time up there.  We would sit up there for hours, talking about boys and telling stories.  It didn't matter that we had to climb a rickety old metal ladder to get up to that attic.  It didn't matter that their was nothing but frame work with insulation everywhere.  To us it was a dream!  

This place is full of memories.  The best places to hide for kick the can.  Playing hide and seek with the neighbours grand kids.  The tree fort my brother had made, bon fires with the family.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and so much more.  

I stood at the end of the driveway one last time.  

36 years ago I was brought home to this acreage.  It was my very first home.  I learned to walk, talk, and ride my bike without training wheels here.  I brought my husband here and later my kids.  This was a home to all of us.  It served us well, and in 2 days it will begin to serve another family well.  The three of them will turn that key, open that door and begin another chapter in their lives.  Their little baby will take her first steps, say her first words, perhaps welcome new siblings and also learn to ride her bike here.  I feel that my mom wouldn't have wanted it any other way.  

I choked back tears as we backed out of the driveway one last time.  

"Don't forget to honk."  "It's tradition." 

It's time for another season in our life to begin. 

   

    

She is 12 in three days!!

Ginny, I am so proud of you.  Today you gave me $300.00 that you have saved for over a year now.  Occasionally you would ask to go to the corner store and you would always take your own money but never did you waiver and decide to spend it on something other than what you had intended.  Two Christmas' ago Keegan got an ipod for Christmas and instead of crying and whining and insisting that you get one as well you decided from that point on that you were going to save for an ipod.  You told everyone your plan and you stuck to it and after babysitting, cat watching, cutting grass and so much more you reached your goal.  That is a big goal for someone your age in fact it is a big goal for someone my age.  Having the determination and will power to save for that long is a rare thing in our world.  I pray that this will be just the beginning and that you will be able to save for your first car, your secondary schooling and even some day your house.  I want you to always look back on this day and remember how excited you were to finally purchase that item that you saved up for.  I want you to know that you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it.  I want you to know that even if you fail you can still get right back up and try again.

You are growing into a beautiful young lady.  You are smart and compassionate, always willing to help.  Your love for others shines in your beautiful smile.

You have struggled greatly with friends in the last year or so and my heart brakes inside when you share with me your hurt and how others have made you feel.  You need to always remember that you are different from them and that is why they don't always like you.  It won't always be easy but you need to remember

Matthew 25:35-40

³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

You are not better than those girls you are different.  No matter how hurtful those girls are they still need your love.  You don't have to be their friends but you need to still show them kindness and love just like Jesus would have.

Your daddy and I are so proud of you Ginny.  Keep shining on and keep showing God's love.

Happy 12 Birthday baby girl! 

Precious Visits

For months my mind would take me down horrible paths where mom was at her worst.  The times she fell in the bathroom and I was the only one dad would call.  The time where Blaine and I showed up before the Emergency Gala and she was so out of it that she couldn't even stay awake to carry on a conversation with us.  Or the last time she was in the hospital, only moments before she passed away.  For some reason every time my mind would go there I would let it and re live it over and over and over again.

It took time and coaxing from Blaine before I finally locked those pictures in a closet somewhere in the depths of my brain and opened new doors filled with happier memories.  It was when I did that, that I started dreaming of her.  Oh how I love her visits in my dreams.  They are usually very short visits and not always good.  I recently had a dream where she was scolding me.  I didn't wake up very pleasant that morning.  Blaine can agree with that.  Last night was the best visit of all though.  Please don't think I am a quack and that I "see" dead people.  :)  It was only when writing this that I refer to them as visits.  I will explain why, or rather you will soon understand but first let me catch you up on how last night came about.  

On Thursday morning at 6:00am Blaine pulled out of our driveway on his motorbike.  All that he took was enough gear to get him through a 4 day adventure, across the border, down twisty roads, and through the mountains with 17 guys and their treasured possessions.  So, for the last 3 days I have cleaned, purged, and organized.  I thought of him often and had a hard time falling asleep without him by my side.  Last night I especially struggled since I had my airbrakes course early this morning.  It was nearly 11:00pm when I finally began to fall asleep.  

As I laid in bed, my eyes closed, my breathing steady, sleep nearer and nearer, I was transported to the living room at the acreage.  As I looked towards moms chair I heard her laughter and there she was, sitting in her fav. chair, still in her p.j's and a smile on her face.  She laughed and said how glad she was that I was able to stop in for a visit.  I can't quite remember what we said but the conversation was long and filled with laughter.  She asked me how I was doing and talked about her birds and how she enjoys watching them.  The craziest part was that the whole time I was aware that I was not fully asleep.  Tears began to stream down my cheeks.  My breath was caught in my throat.  I willed her to stay.  She stayed, and continued to talk and laugh with me.  Soon though, she was gone as quickly as she came.  

As I laid in my bed, my pillow wet with tears I remembered the last course that I was in.  I resigned halfway through the course because mom had passed away only 2 days before.  Perhaps that is why my mind lead me to this precious visit.  God knew that without Blaine by my side, I needed my mom more than ever.   

It doesn't end there though.  My alarm was set for 5:15am but before it went off my dad and I were driving down the Buford road with a beautiful winter wonderland surrounding us.  As I looked out to the side, past my dad driving There was my mom, trudging down a snowing path with three of her greatest friends.  She smiled again and said "I know, I know, don't always rush me."  She then looked at me with a sarcastic expression like she usually did when Dad rushed her.  :)  I immediately woke up and realized it was 5:08.  I would wake up any morning before my alarm with a visit as precious as that one.        

Dancing in the Mine Field

The last 4 months have been filled with so many mixed emotions.  The road that I have been plunked upon is filled with mountains, pebbles, brooks and mine fields.  The last thing I want is my kids to go back to school and tell their friends that they did nothing but sit in front of screens for the summer.  So regardless of what we have been dealt I make every effort for my kids to see it as memories and fun rather than a summer that will always haunt them.

Unfortunately we have the acreage to deal with and so instead of camping at a camp ground we are camping at the acreage.  Two weekends ago Blaine and I were out there alone with the kids.  I started right into the project the minute I got there.  After finally succumbing to Blaine's request of coming to bed at 11:00 pm,  it felt like I was no sooner asleep than the birds were chirping telling me that my day was slipping away.  When I looked at the clock and saw that it was only 6:30 am I contemplated going back to bed but I also realized that right then was the best time to begin another round of cleaning and organizing.  The kids were still asleep, Boo curled up at Blaine's feet and the only sounds to be heard were the chirping of the family birds that were all so familiar.  Even with Mom and Dad gone they still came fluttering by to see what what bits of food they could find.

It wasn't long before I was well into my work when Ginny came in for her morning hug and to say good morning.  Soon Malakai followed with requests of breakfast and then shortly after Blaine came in asking what the plan was for breakfast.  It was all too familiar..  Something that always happened when we spend the weekend at Mom and Dad's.  I could even hear how excited my Mom would be when we pulled up in our trailer.  Blaine made fried potatoes, bacon and eggs ... not even realizing that it was something Mom would have always made.  A country song played in the background while we ate.  It was a song that I was familiar with and I immediately hopped up and asked the boys to dance with me.  Of course at this age it is not cool to dance let alone with your mother. :)  Ginny jumped right up and giggled as I tried to teach her how to two step.

All of a sudden Blaine put his fork and knife down, got up and said ... "here, watch Mom and I"  He folded me in his arms and began to dance with me, right there in the kitchen.  I couldn't hold back the tears.  They flooded my eyes with joy.  A moment that I will treasure for the rest of my life.  A moment that shows so much to our children.  A moment to add to so many memories of moments spent with family in that kitchen.

The song ended, breakfast was cleared and  the sound of the sander curiously brought me to the big living room window.  There, out side our trailer, Blaine had taken a break to make the kids each a set of stilts.  I was instantly jolted to another child hood memory where my best friend Jill and I used to play on her farm on home made stilts.

What a blessing to see these things enfold before my eyes.  What a fun treat for the kids.  What a blessing to be able to keep them forever in the banks of my memories.

So for now, we will go dancing through the mine fields and take life one step at a time!

Malakai - My Ham!

So, my sisters common law Step Daughter is getting married and she asked me if the kids were coming.  I was at the church with the kids who were helping out with VBS so I thought I would sneak out and go and ask them.  Of course Ginny wanted to go, I didn't think there would be a problem with that.  When I finally found Malakai outside helping out with games I asked him if he wanted to go to Miss Chandra's wedding.  This conversation was one for the time capsule for sure.

Me - Malakai, would you like to go to Miss Chandra's wedding?
Malakai - Nah!
Me - You remember who Miss Chandra is right?
Malakai - Yah but I don't want to go.
Me - Are you sure? There will most likely be dancing and music.
Malakai - Will there be cake?
Me - I would think so.
Malakai - What kind?
Me - I don't know... Wedding cake?
Malakai - Hmmm Yah I will go.

So I start to walk back up to the church and ... he starts to walk beside me.

Me - you need to go back and help your group.
Malakai - But ... I wanted to go to the wedding and eat cake.

:)  Ummm I think I forgot to tell him that the wedding is in August.  

She's growing up!

There is something about that soccer uniform.  This is the first year that we have put all three kids into soccer and we are dying!!  Blaine just texted me ..."we will not be doing this again! "No wonder we never did this before."  The boys have thrown in the towel games ago and as much as we want to call it quits, us being sticklers about giving up, are fighting to make them stick it out to the end.  Ginny however LOVES soccer.  She is so eager on that field and never once has she told us she didn't want to go.

Every time she puts on that uniform I see my little girl grown up before my eyes.  I hear her laugh changing, her comments are more mature and even the way she walks has changed.  Her braces have been removed and her teeth are falling out like crazy. :)  Of course it didn't happen right before soccer though.  In fact, it has been happening all along.  Unfortunately it took a tragedy for us to see her so differently.  The first time I noticed it was when I seen a picture that I took of her the day before my mom's funeral.  We had both gone to the hair salon to get our hair trimmed and I had taken her picture with her hair all curled ... She is beautiful.  She misses her Nana so much, just as we all do.  She is so positive though.  Making cute remarks about Nana being in heaven and God giving her hugs for us.  

I see how I was at Ginny's age and we have our similarities but I like how she is different than I was.  I think about how Blaine and I were in LOVE when I was 16 and I think "oh my goodness, that is only 4 short years away."  I hear her dreams and her hopes and would grant her every one if I could.  I would hold her heart in my hands so that no friend and no boy would ever harm it, if I could.  

I have so many hopes and dreams for her, and I am sure that we share the same ... But I can be even more sure that most of them will remain only mine.  

I thank God for my baby girl and even though I see her growing up before my eyes I cherish these moments because to me she will always be my baby girl but life is all to familiar and soon she will be a grown woman and someone else will be cherishing her just the same.

Space Station Mom

In the eyes of our children we must seem very adventurous.  We try out for Amazing Race Canada and when reality hits we join smaller Amazing Races here in town.  We are both volunteer Firefighters and we love the thrill of a new challenge.  So when our sweet Malakai came up with the following, I couldn't help but laugh.  His poor little heart was worried that his mommy and daddy would soon be applying to go to space.  

Malakai - hollering up from down stairs "mom, you know what? I don't want you to go into a space station o.k?" I laugh! "O.k Malakai, why is that?" "Because they are looking for a mom and dad to go into space FOREVER!"

Well my sweet Malakai, your mom and dad may be adventurous and sign up for a lot of things but going into space is DEFINITELY one thing that this mommy is not interested in doing.

Spring has Sprung!?!

I am adjusting to our new life.  The emptiness in my heart is still there but I am learning to cope.  Today has warmed up a bit more.  Just the site of the canopy over the deck and the trampoline set up puts a smile on my face.  I even snuck out on the trampoline for a few jumps before I turned in for the night.  I take joy in the little things that brings that smile right to my heart.  I have found that a smile can be planted quite easily on a face but not go any deeper than just that.

Blaine and I have decided to sneak away and just relax for a week.  It was a decision that was made when I was feeling completely overwhelmed.   I am looking forward to nice weather, beaches and the ocean.  

I am amazed at how songs, stories, smells, and even people remind me of mom.  I can see change in myself and not all of it is good but I do see life through a different lens.  Sometimes realization hits more than I would like and I almost panic, thinking that I will never see her earthly image again.

I can't believe how blessed I am to have so many loving, caring people surrounding me and supporting me.  Even today I checked my mail box and was reminded by a dear friend that she is thinking about me and praying for me.  I could not have gotten through this as well had I not had the support that I do.  I am so thankful for all of the cards, meals, thoughtful notes, gifts and gestures that have been poured upon our family.      

Life goes on though and there are celebrations to be made ... without her.  I received a copy of an email that was sent to the Chief of the DFD requesting that I get my recruit stickers removed.  This is a huge sign of growth within the department.  My sister and I had lunch with dad today.  I made them egg salad sandwiches with chips and a bowl of ice cream.  We had our secret sister wrap up tea this evening.  I planned on sharing something about how important it is to be and have a secret sister.  I was holding it together quite well until someone sang a mash up of some songs and one was a favorite of moms.  I choked up while speaking but It was nice to be with "sisters" who understand and can relate to my tears.  I enjoyed the time of laughter and sharing. 

It is good to be able to move into another season.  Greatly needed.     

A new blog

For those of you who still follow my blog I have decided to create a blog just for my mom stuff.  It is stuffed full of letters, memories, and pictures.  This blog was not created for attention or for you to wonder how I am holding up and coping.  Grieving is a process that we will all have to go through at some point in our lives.  I love journalling and I feel it helps me, so this is a healing process for me and perhaps it will be helpful to others.   At the same time, God is really showing me some great things lately and I can't help but share them.   :)  Feel free to follow both of my blogs if you would like. www.letterssenttoheaven.blogspot.com

Memories are floating through the air

At first I was concerned.  Why are the kids not upset?  Why are they not talking about Nana? As weeks have now passed, occasionally the little tears are found pooling in the corners of their eyes and the soft whisper of her name often leave their lips.  It is the process of grieving.  Some have a harder time than others do.  So cry, some get angry.  We have had it all in this house.  The greatest part is the stories.  Take our conversation that we had this morning ...

Ginny - I remember when Nana helped out at Bible Camp.  I stayed at her house for the week and every morning we would wake up and she would take me in the Smart Car to VBS. I remember how every morning Ginny and Nana would arrive at VBS and Mom had Ginny's hair curled or braided or clipped up.  

Malakai - Nana loved Rhubarb. Oh how she did.  She loved to make Strawberry, Rhubarb Jam.    

Ginny - Oh thats right.  She would always give me a small knife and tell me to go out and cut as much rhubarb as I could than her and I would sit on the deck and cut the Rhubarb up into small pieces.  After that she would give each kid a bowl of sugar and a stick of Rhubarb to eat.   

As I am blogging Malakai comes up into my room.  He is washing his hands with my coconut hand soap.  He must know what I am doing because he quickly leans over onto the bed and says ... Now I remember another remembering ... Me Keegan, and Ginny were all over at Opa's and he had a coconut and he opened it up and poured it into a glass.  First it was me that tried it, and I didn't like it.  Next Ginny tried it and she didn't like it.  Both Keegan and Nana tried it and they didn't like it either.  Finally Opa tried it, and he liked it!  

So much to tell you, all the time in the world.

Mom,                                                                                                                             April 10, 2013

This has been a hard week.  Sunday Mona, Jay, Bernie and I went out to the acreage to go through and clean the kitchen.  It looks so "empty."  There were some disagreements but I stuck to myself, cleaning the kitchen.  I find it harder to be in the apartment at Discovery than I do at the acreage.  Probably because we were just starting to visit you more at Discovery.  I am still struggling with guilt when I think about those last few months.  I have so many regrets that they haunt me daily.  Lee had said not to accept them because they are from the enemy.  Sometimes they are just so hard to ignore though.

Monday morning was a time of celebration and the first thing I wanted to do was call you.  Ginny got her braces off.  I just can't believe how beautiful and grown up she is getting.  I am sure I will shed many tears of missing you as she reaches her milestones in the months and years to come.  Peter and I would like to take Dad to Germany in the fall but we are both unsure if we can afford it.  It may be one of those things that you just have to make work.  I can only imagine how overjoyed Dad would be to take us to Germany and show us around.  I wish that we were planning on you coming.  You always wanted to go there with him.

So many people are asking me how I am doing and I have gotten really good at convincing everyone that "I am good."  Truth is ... not many understand and not many want to hear me talk about you endlessly.  Truth is ... sometimes reality hits all to well and I feel like I am suffocating.  Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that I just want to scream.  Even just sitting here in bed with Blaine sleeping by my side I feel overwhelmed with sorrow.  People say that "it will get easier."  I can't see that far ahead.  Right now it seems so far away that it's as if they are just saying it to make themselves feel better.  there are a few that have been great help, Terry being one of them.  He and Larissa gave me a card and it expressed how I need to take time to grieve and the grieving process could take up to 2 years.  God has his work cut out for him if this is going to take 2 years.  All I keep going back to is the scripture that you loved enough to give it to Blaine on his baptism ... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."  Trying hard to trust.

The last few days have been filled with great memories of you from the kids.  Keegan thinks that we shouldn't talk about you because it makes us sad and Opa sad.  I corrected him and told him it was healthy to talk about you.  Ginny remembers you giving her, her "Nana Bear."  I laughed because I remember you and me going through the stores in Jasper when she was only a year old when we found that bear.  Can you imagine that you paid $80.00 for that thing.  :)  Well mom, rest assured, it was the most cherished $80.00 ever.   There were other things that the kids remembered to but I am drawing a blank right now.  I wanted to write them down sooner but just never got around to it.

Amongst your kitchen, we found 2 very special books that the kids and I have decided to read.  They are special books and Ginny and Malakai are really enjoying the fact that they have come from your house.  In one of them it talked of Jesus Resurrection and Easter Sunday.  I found it interesting how you went to heaven so close to Easter.  Was their a celebration in heaven on Easter Sunday?  I imagine you, Grandma Ginny, Grandma Meatha and Oma all linked arms, walking through the gardens of heaven.  The birds fluttering everywhere with you talking about each one of them.

Tonight I was reading your bible and I can't remember what I was reading but I was thinking about how I asked you if you still loved Jesus.  I hope I didn't offend you, but even reading your bible I saw how on fire you were for God in the things you wrote, the verses you underlined.  In the last few month you didn't really have that fire anymore.  Yet it dawned on me that we all have seasons of dryness.  Perhaps it wasn't that you weren't excited about Jesus but just going through a dry patch.  Even now as I think this over again I picture you in our 7th row seat, sitting beside Dad on Christmas Eve.  You were so sick.  As I stood in front of the congregation reciting my monologue I glanced over at you and there you were with your eyes closed, praying to God.  What was going through your head?  Did you know that your days were numbered?  Had God been preparing your heart?  Maybe your last few months were spent pondering more than anything.  I am reminded right now of how when you fell and cracked your ribs you were so tired of being sick, so tired of Dad being grumpy with you, so tired of feeling weak that you laid in your bed on your side and told me you didn't want to live any more.  Reassuring to know that God was listening to you and answered your prayers only a couple of weeks later, Sad that you had to leave.  You left me so quickly that I wish I had stayed that night.  I wish I had known.  I wish I had curled up in bed beside you and just spent that last night with you.  Instead ... I didn't even kiss you or hug you goodnight.  I told you I loved you and that I would see you in the morning.  I wish that I could say I love you now and see you in the morning.

I LOVE YOU MOM!  I hope with all my heart that you hear Malakai's prayers every night as he asks God to tell you that we love you sooooo much!

Always and Forever
Tammy    

Good Moments and Bad Moments

Hi my Mommy;

Today Lee invited me to the market with Kaela and her.  I was looking forward to it but then last night I woke up with some sort of stomach bug.  You know me and how I get when I feel like I am going to puke.  Needless to say, I survived the night but was still feeling off today.  I knew how much it meant to Lee though so I pushed myself, and I am glad that I did.  

We had a really good visit over lunch and of course, it was all about you. :)  Seems like everything these days resolves around my memories of you, something that you would like or something that you would have said.  Anyways I especially wonder now if we will remember those that we have left behind when we go to heaven.  All three of us were buzzing with our own thoughts and feelings but I will let you know what gives me peace and how I think it might be.  

I think that you can look down on us from heaven and I think that you are still a prayer warrior for all of us.  Of course the idea of you seeing us grieve your loss would naturally only cause you heartache but since time is so different on earth than it is in heaven I think that you would be so excited to be only "days" from seeing us. :)  I want to think that you would not necessarily know all the trials that we would have to go through but instead know the end game plan and when we will once again be reunited.  I don't know!  It may sound so bizzare to someone else but it gives me peace.  It helps me to get by knowing that to you it may be a day, or week till we meet again.  At least for one of us it will seem less time.  

So many people ask how I am doing.  How do you answer that?  Do they really want to hear every time they ask that I am lonely, grief stricken, that I wish you were still here with us?  Probably not ... So instead, I say "good."  I hear from people that grief takes time,  some days are good, some days are bad.  How about some MOMENTS are good and some are bad?  Sometimes I wake up and almost feel guilty that I am not sad but then evening comes and I am a weeping mess.  I have no way of controlling when it will hit me, or what triggers it.  For that reason alone, it is nice to stick close to home.  Blaine went to hang pictures at the apartment for dad today and I can't believe how hard it is for me to sit in your chair and visit with him.  It seems so foreign yet at the same time it is good.  

The kids have been acting up, the house is a disaster, yet I can still hear you saying ... "your house is never a disaster."  I tidied a bit but I figured a financially organized home is better than a clean one.  Since I have been struggling to get your finances worked out, I have let ours slip through the cracks.  

Lee had such a wonderful idea of asking the kids to tell me their memories of you and right them down in a book so that they will never forget you.  I asked Malakai tonight what he remembers of you.  Of course I got "I don't know!"  I was quiet for awhile though and soon he said "that Nana taught me how to crochet."  Thank you so much for that.  He loves that new little hobby that you taught him and you would be so proud to finally have someone to sit and crochet with.  Then he said ... "I remember reading with Nana.  I got to read the red parts in that book and Ginny and Nana read the other colors.  I really liked that book."  I remember buying that book for you to read to the kids.  Thank you for making it special for them.  

Well mom, I should get my budgeting on the go here.  It was good chatting to you again.  Wish you would just stop being so quiet and answer me for a change. 

Love you Always!
Tammy

You were so kind!

Monday

Hi Mom,

Today is Easter Monday.  The kids are home, Blaine is back to work and it should be a "normal" day off for me.  I was reminded today of how you used to call me on Monday mornings and ask me what I had planned for my day off.  You would always suggest that I come over and visit with you and dad.  Of course Mondays were my errand days so I would often remind you that I had a full day ahead.  Today, I would have dropped everything and spent the entire day with you ... I had salmon salad for lunch just now and I was reminded of our day in February where I took you shopping and made us salmon salad for lunch.  Rest assured that this time I didn't over cook my salmon.  :)  Thank you for that day.  I know you weren't feeling well but it meant so much to me to have you with me.  I remember watching you sleep in the chair as I was painting.  You looked so ... you.

This afternoon I noticed your bag of clothes from the hospital that you wore the night before you went home to heaven.  It is still in the spot where I dropped it when Mona brought it to me.  I couldn't help but pull your shirt out and smell it.  I laughed because I remembered pulling it straight off the shelf to put it on you when I took you to the hospital.  You had only worn it for maybe an hour so it didn't even smell like you.  It smelt like your laundry soap though.

Dad is sick today.  I can't help but ache in my heart for you.  I read your bible last night, curled up in my chair with a cup of hot tea.  It was so comforting and you are right ... It IS the greatest gift that you could give me.

Today I want to go out to the acreage by myself and just sift through your stuff.  I am scared to though. Everything I want to do and do, do seems to make me miss you more.

I gotta go mom.  Today is really hard for me and I just have so much to say but all that comes to mind is ... I MISS YOU!  I NEED to talk to you, to hear your voice.  I NEED you to hold me and tell me you love me.  How will I ever get over this?

Love you, Always and Forever
Tammy

Easter Weekend

Hey mom,

Today was good Friday.  It has been two days since your funeral and last night was the first night that I didn't cry before falling asleep.  I honestly thought I was going to have a good day with no tears.  Thoughts are one thing and far from reality sometimes.  Today's message was put into the perspective of losing a loved one.  How appropriate!  Of course, the tears spilled down my cheeks and if anyone could relate to that sermon more it was us.

After the service we stopped by dad's to visit with him for awhile.  I often glance into your room to see your bed made with your two bibles neatly placed on top.  I put them there to give dad comfort.  Today when I glanced in I noticed your bibles were not placed one on top of the other.  I also noticed your favourite jeans and a green blouse of yours laid out for you.  I am not sure how they got there but I imagine dad placed them there.  I think he had a rough night without you last night.  I invited him to Jim and Rose's on Easter Sunday.  I hope and pray that he comes.

This afternoon we went to Roland and Linda's for a fish fry in honour of Good Friday.  It was fun but Malakai had too much sugar and lost his temper in front of everyone.  The screaming display embarrassed me and made me want to walk right out the front door and go home.  He had said he didn't like me and that I was mean. There would have been a time where Malakai saying that would have made me snap back at him.  Today, that comment stung.  Michelle made a comment about how "it must hurt like heck to have your mom die when you yourself are so young."  Die!  Wow!  What a cold, scary word.

I think about the future and raising my kids in this crazy world.  Today I feel a sting of panic.  How will I ever cope without your encouragement, your words of wisdom, and your prayers?  Please pray for Malakai!  Pray that God will help me into raising him into a wonderful, happy, young man.

Why didn't I pray on the phone with you?  I know that you wanted me to, but pride got the best of me.  Please forgive me!  If I could take time back, even for a week, I would have prayed for you ... With you!  I still don't know how to make the regrets go away.  I don't know how to forgive myself.  I am my worst enemy.

Maybe if I just imagine you in the hospital tonight, I can get through the night thinking that I still have tomorrow.

Love you Mom!
Forever and Always,

Tammy

There's a hole in my heart

Dear Mom,

How do you start a letter to someone knowing that you will never get a reply?  I have so many things to say to you but I don't know where to start.  It has been seven days since you left us and each day only gets harder.  Blaine keeps telling me to talk to you but I struggle with that.  If only I could really "talk" to you.  I thought that things were supposed to get easier but today I feel like I am numb and sitting in a haze.  I don't know if this will be a good healing process for me or if it will only make things worse.  I need to try though because today I don't feel as if things could'nt get any better.

Right now I feel as though something heavy is sitting on my chest and I can't breath.  I don't want to go to work, I don't want to clean my house, I don't even want to respond to a fire call.  I wish I could go to your house... curl up in your lap and just cry.  I want to sit back, lean up against your legs and feel your hands run through my hair again.  Last night I thought I was going to lose it entirely.  I can't imagine that you are not here with us any more.  I can't fathom going through anything without you.  This morning the phone rang and I heard Malakai answer it.  "Hi Opa" he says, so excited.  It made me think of how excited Ginny would get when you called her.  "Hi Nana" she would say.  She is taking your leaving us quite difficult.  She has cried lots but she keeps saying how glad she was that you made it to her play at school.  What a gift that was to her.

Oh mom, I miss you!  My heart hurts so much for you.  I want so bad to call you right now.  I sit here with the phone beside me and I am so lost.  How many times did we talk each and every day?  Sometimes half a dozen.  I would call to tell you silly things the kids said, or just call to say I love you!

I have so many regrets but I am trying not to dig those up right now.  Blaine keeps telling me to think about the good times that we shared.  The first thing that popped into my mind was our picnics at the river.  You loved going to the river and just sitting in the sun, watching the kids play.

I am glad that spring is just around the corner.  Had this been the beginning of winter it might have been harder to process and less things to take our minds off of our emptiness.  My computer room is so full of flowers that you would have been so excited had you been here to enjoy them.  Soon though, we will be able to sit along the river again and perhaps go for some walks with dad to look at the birds and such.  Thinking about the days ahead only remind me of Easter weekend only days away, followed by Mothers Day, and then Keegan and my birthdays.  How will we ever cope?

Take care mom, soak up every minute with our Jesus and please ask him to give me comfort right now.  I need a whole lot.

I will write again soon, perhaps next time I will tell you all about your funeral.  

Love you forever,
Tammy    

I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living my Mommy you'll be.

It has been one month and 1 day that mom was admitted into the hospital.  There have been moments of the absolute worst to moments where there is light in the future.  This last week has been one of the biggest roller coaster of emotions though and I am feeling quite unsure, helpless, and scared.

It is almost a year now when I first suggested that mom and dad should move into town closer to us.  I have learned throughout my life that the best way to get dad to agree is to take things slow, plant a seed, water it by bringing it up occasionally and before you know it, right before your eyes it becomes his idea and it is rooted.  So, I carefully planted the seed, and have watered it and diligently cared for it for almost a year now.

I had no idea that when mom was in the hospital and we suggested to dad that the nurses might not let mom come home that it would turn out like it has.  I always dreamed of having them in the assisted living lodge near by.  An opportunity for us to visit and for them to be close by to the kids.  I never dreamed that it would come like this.   A few days ago dad rented one of the apartments there.   It was for her and he would stay with her but not because he needed it.  I never dreamed that she may have completely missed the boat and may need more care than even they can provide.  Today, he said he didn't want to be out at the acreage and that he would stay there even if she didn't make it there with him.

The mom that I once knew is still there in her heart but even that has been wounded.  This ugly bug has taken such a revenge that it seems that my mom has lost years in just one month.  Now I sit burdened with thoughts like ... "Will she get even worse?"  "Will she be able to even be discharged?"  "I talk to one nurse one day and she says she will be discharged next week.  I talk to another and she so nicely assures us that "she is not there yet and just give her a few more weeks."

I am scared at what I see.  A part of me is hesitant and doesn't feel positive with the outcome.  Tears well up in my eyes as she looks up at me with eyes that scream "What has happened to me?"  As she lays across her bed in the fetal position and holds my hand I quickly turn my head so she doesn't see the tears escape.  When I get enough control I look over at her and she is sleeping.  I sit and watch the mother that once cared so well for me lay there so helplessly.  I lose all ounce of control and just let the tears flow.  How did we come to this place?  How does one fade so quickly before our eyes?  She opens her eyes, pats my hands and tells me she loves me.  She is afraid that Dad won't love her anymore when she spills on her shirt or when she falls asleep between conversations.

As I walk out through the hospital I see an elderly man in his room, watching t.v.  He looks at me and smiles and waves.  I see an elderly woman walking briskly down the hall and then I feel the pain return.    I don't want her to suffer.  I don't want her to deteriorate to the point that she has. She cry's when the nurses get upset with her.  Her heart broke when they placed a bib on her at supper tonight.  After years of serving elderly people the one thing she deserves is to be treated like a princess.  I know that God has a plan and that I was a piece of that plan the minute I was handed to her for the very first time.

I will sit with her for as many lunch hours as it will take.  I will bathe her and hold her hand while she sleeps.  I will hold her when she cry's I will do anything it takes so that she doesn't have to suffer.  

A prelude to my upside down life.

Wow! I didn't expect that. I was sound asleep when all of a sudden the doorbell rang. There at the door were a few close friends who popped over to clean my house and make me breakfast. I was so surprised as they began to let themselves in. All of a sudden the shrill screams a child filled the room ... I soon realized that I was still in bed, succumbed to my messy house and a grumbling tummy as our youngest watched a movie in his bedroom, waiting for me to wake up and make him breakfast. :p Blaine's response as he headed out the door for a day of fishing .... "keep dreaming baby!"