Don't talk to me, I am such a mess!!

When Ginny was around 5 yrs old she was having a really emotional day.  Every time someone would try and talk to her she would get mad or just break down.  Blaine tried to reason with her and her response was ... "Don't talk to me.  I am such a mess."

For the last couple of days my mind has been consumed with attending a pampered chef party, an exam I have to write tomorrow morning, a Gala that we are attending tomorrow night, and a rental unit giving us problems.  When I woke up this morning, all was normal.  I hit snooze one too many times, I had one grumpy kid, and one overly happy kid and like normal, we rushed out the door in an attempt to not be late.  As I entered my office this morning I answered one phone call and my world felt like it crash landed on Mars.  Instantaneously all those "important" thought consuming issues soon seemed so trivial.

A wonderful family, friends we have had for years just found out that their oldest daughter, only 14 years old has an aggressive, rare bone cancer.  Those words still roll around in my head even hours later.  So many memories flood my mind of all the kids catching bugs outside or bringing in the garden together.  I can see Avery in her long skirt playing volley ball with us at the annual September gathering.  To my kids the Petkau's home is always an escape from reality.  It is a safe haven, filled with kids running and roaming everywhere, it is a place to run, explore and be free.  There is no one that deserves something as harsh as this.  Especially not this family.  I think of Ginny and how much pain she has been in because of the new appliance in her mouth and how I want to rip it out and make her pain go away.  I wish that I could rip that tumor out and take away sweet Avery's pain.  Avery emailed me today, fulfilling a simple request that I had.  As I read her words and the way she called me Mrs. Anderson my heart cracked into a million pieces.  I can hear her voice in my head, just the way she would say it as if she were standing right in front of me.  No child should ever have to go through something that even adults have a hard time handling, just like no parent should have to watch their child go through something like this. My heart aches for the entire family, for the Aunts and Uncles that just moved across the country and for the helplessness that they might feel.

I can't help but fear the unknown for everyone we love and care for.  This horrible invader is lurking around every corner waiting to attack.  It is times like today that I hate this world we live in.  Times like this when I long for the promises we have been given.  Promises of a better life, a better world without sickness, pain and tears. A place where kids can be safe and free.  Please God!!! Please take this pain away from Avery.

Until then I must move on and keep going.  But bare with me because today I don't feel like talking.  I am such a mess!

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you. declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Looking back

I remember the first time I saw Blaine. It was my first day in a new school. I moved to Jasper with my parents and I was half done grade 10. As I walked the hall of the unfamiliar faces someone came alongside me and was excited to tell me how I had already won the heart a certain someone. I was anxious to find out who it was that found me so attractive. As this girl that I had just met pointed to Blaine I have to admit, it was not love at first site. There in the grade 11 class were 2 guys sitting together. One wearing a cowboy hat, the other a sombrero. Coming from a small hick town I was determined to find something remotely close to a city guy. It was just my luck to have a country bumpkin smitten for me. It could have been much worse though. He could have been wearing the sombrero. Turns out, it was just a dare and Although he was a 'cowboy' he was more than I could have ever asked for.

 Today as Malakai wore his cowboy hat (a hat that belonged to my brother years ago) it brought me back to that exciting September morning. he is so much like his daddy. Not afraid or concerned about what others think, all about enjoying life and making every moment fun. This evening my heart warmed as he once again dawned his cowboy hat and was square dancing with his sister in our livingroom. Toothless smile and all.