I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living my Mommy you'll be.

It has been one month and 1 day that mom was admitted into the hospital.  There have been moments of the absolute worst to moments where there is light in the future.  This last week has been one of the biggest roller coaster of emotions though and I am feeling quite unsure, helpless, and scared.

It is almost a year now when I first suggested that mom and dad should move into town closer to us.  I have learned throughout my life that the best way to get dad to agree is to take things slow, plant a seed, water it by bringing it up occasionally and before you know it, right before your eyes it becomes his idea and it is rooted.  So, I carefully planted the seed, and have watered it and diligently cared for it for almost a year now.

I had no idea that when mom was in the hospital and we suggested to dad that the nurses might not let mom come home that it would turn out like it has.  I always dreamed of having them in the assisted living lodge near by.  An opportunity for us to visit and for them to be close by to the kids.  I never dreamed that it would come like this.   A few days ago dad rented one of the apartments there.   It was for her and he would stay with her but not because he needed it.  I never dreamed that she may have completely missed the boat and may need more care than even they can provide.  Today, he said he didn't want to be out at the acreage and that he would stay there even if she didn't make it there with him.

The mom that I once knew is still there in her heart but even that has been wounded.  This ugly bug has taken such a revenge that it seems that my mom has lost years in just one month.  Now I sit burdened with thoughts like ... "Will she get even worse?"  "Will she be able to even be discharged?"  "I talk to one nurse one day and she says she will be discharged next week.  I talk to another and she so nicely assures us that "she is not there yet and just give her a few more weeks."

I am scared at what I see.  A part of me is hesitant and doesn't feel positive with the outcome.  Tears well up in my eyes as she looks up at me with eyes that scream "What has happened to me?"  As she lays across her bed in the fetal position and holds my hand I quickly turn my head so she doesn't see the tears escape.  When I get enough control I look over at her and she is sleeping.  I sit and watch the mother that once cared so well for me lay there so helplessly.  I lose all ounce of control and just let the tears flow.  How did we come to this place?  How does one fade so quickly before our eyes?  She opens her eyes, pats my hands and tells me she loves me.  She is afraid that Dad won't love her anymore when she spills on her shirt or when she falls asleep between conversations.

As I walk out through the hospital I see an elderly man in his room, watching t.v.  He looks at me and smiles and waves.  I see an elderly woman walking briskly down the hall and then I feel the pain return.    I don't want her to suffer.  I don't want her to deteriorate to the point that she has. She cry's when the nurses get upset with her.  Her heart broke when they placed a bib on her at supper tonight.  After years of serving elderly people the one thing she deserves is to be treated like a princess.  I know that God has a plan and that I was a piece of that plan the minute I was handed to her for the very first time.

I will sit with her for as many lunch hours as it will take.  I will bathe her and hold her hand while she sleeps.  I will hold her when she cry's I will do anything it takes so that she doesn't have to suffer.  

A prelude to my upside down life.

Wow! I didn't expect that. I was sound asleep when all of a sudden the doorbell rang. There at the door were a few close friends who popped over to clean my house and make me breakfast. I was so surprised as they began to let themselves in. All of a sudden the shrill screams a child filled the room ... I soon realized that I was still in bed, succumbed to my messy house and a grumbling tummy as our youngest watched a movie in his bedroom, waiting for me to wake up and make him breakfast. :p Blaine's response as he headed out the door for a day of fishing .... "keep dreaming baby!"

Me and my mind

We learn from our mistakes, we learn from each other.  If you make a mistake, accept it, learn from it and try again tomorrow.  Take baby steps, big goals and giant steps will only make you discouraged and cause you to think less of your self.  You are beautiful!  You are not perfect, no one is.  You can do anything that you put your mind to.  Bad days will happen, accept them and go with the flow.  Good days are to be cherished.  Take time to breathe!! A hug will last forever and can always be returned, the more you give the more you receive.  A true friend is something to cherish and hold forever.  The past is history, the future is a mystery and today is a gift.  That is why they call it the present.


~ Tammy Anderson