Time is being snatched away

Just one hour ago my mom came into my office in tears. Once again she was in emerg waiting for some kind of hope.

It used to be only in the winter months that she would be in and out getting stronger and stronger antibiotics. This past year seems worse though. A few times in for the swollen legs and a few more for Pneumonia. This time the dreaded words were spoken. Congestive Heart Failure! She had that incling all along but never wanted to claim it. With this diagnosis I am sure the thought lies on the back of all our minds. I know it sure lingers on the back of mine. The coughing, the breathing problems, the weakness. We have all seen it before. Then though the treatment was simple ... well not simple but a treatment to say the least.

After two open heart surgeries she has decided no more. I am older now and can deal with hospitals and surgeries. I can process what is actually going on. Does age make it any easier though? Are any of us ready to lose our moms? Just seeing her actually show emotion this time makes me think that it is bad.

I know that anything we ask it will be granted.
I pray that if she goes it will be in her sleep. I pray that she will not have to suffer and that it will be at home in her own bed after a wonderful day with her family. I pray that my kids will not be there that night, having a much loved sleep over. I want to be selfish and pray for a few more years. How can I be that way though and see her suffer so?

I know that she can't wait to be wrapped in her Jesus' arms. I also know that she can't stand to leave her kids, especially since almost all of them are not living the greatest lifestyles and then who would want to die anyways? I guess if I were suffering immensley even I would be tempted to give up.

I hate to think of the burden that lies ahead. She has already informed me that my responsibility is to keep us kids all together. That is huge and I don't think I can do it. Not on my own anyway. How devastated my kids would be. They love their "Nanny" They love sleepovers and pancake breakfast in front of Saturday cartoons.

I know that she would be devastated to see what I have written. " I am not going any time soon" she would say. "I will live till I am 90." I would love for you to be right mom!