My heart hurts

It's been awhile since I last posted.  I try to post the good and the bad but sometimes I get busy and am so wrapped up in the good things that I don't have time to blog.

Tonight was not a good thing.  I suck at ball lately and if the word quit was in my vocabulary I would.  Seems like I get psyched out and cant hit anything anymore.  My throwing is horrible and my catching isn't any better.  So why do I keep playing?  Because apparently it is all for fun.  Hmmm doesn't always sound like fun when you are put at the bottom of the batting order in hopes to get some home runs before it is your turn.

My friends are leaving me .... and yes I am being selfish when I say me.  They aren't even gone yet and tonight of all nights, it hit me!  I have dreaded this moment.  The moment when the realization that they are moving becomes very clear.  This is the part where I want to distant myself and not take part in the farewell parties.  I don't want to share my time with them.  I just want our families to continue getting together so that their move doesn't even seem real.  I miss going next door to my office to share something funny, frustrating or just to chat.  It is so quiet in the office now.  More days than not I am all alone.  I wondered today if it was even worth it.  If perhaps maybe I should move on also.  That would be irrational though and that would be the last they would want me to do.

So for tonight I let the tears flow.  I curl up in my bed and feel sorry for myself.  I try and remind myself that I am not a failure and that I will get through this.  The reality is so far away though that it seems as if tonight will last forever.