Just one hour ago my mom came into my office in tears. Once again she was in emerg waiting for some kind of hope.
It used to be only in the winter months that she would be in and out getting stronger and stronger antibiotics. This past year seems worse though. A few times in for the swollen legs and a few more for Pneumonia. This time the dreaded words were spoken. Congestive Heart Failure! She had that incling all along but never wanted to claim it. With this diagnosis I am sure the thought lies on the back of all our minds. I know it sure lingers on the back of mine. The coughing, the breathing problems, the weakness. We have all seen it before. Then though the treatment was simple ... well not simple but a treatment to say the least.
After two open heart surgeries she has decided no more. I am older now and can deal with hospitals and surgeries. I can process what is actually going on. Does age make it any easier though? Are any of us ready to lose our moms? Just seeing her actually show emotion this time makes me think that it is bad.
I know that anything we ask it will be granted.
I pray that if she goes it will be in her sleep. I pray that she will not have to suffer and that it will be at home in her own bed after a wonderful day with her family. I pray that my kids will not be there that night, having a much loved sleep over. I want to be selfish and pray for a few more years. How can I be that way though and see her suffer so?
I know that she can't wait to be wrapped in her Jesus' arms. I also know that she can't stand to leave her kids, especially since almost all of them are not living the greatest lifestyles and then who would want to die anyways? I guess if I were suffering immensley even I would be tempted to give up.
I hate to think of the burden that lies ahead. She has already informed me that my responsibility is to keep us kids all together. That is huge and I don't think I can do it. Not on my own anyway. How devastated my kids would be. They love their "Nanny" They love sleepovers and pancake breakfast in front of Saturday cartoons.
I know that she would be devastated to see what I have written. " I am not going any time soon" she would say. "I will live till I am 90." I would love for you to be right mom!
Aug 25, 2010
Aug 20, 2010
Living life to the fullest
Blaine and I attended a memorial today. It hit very close to home seeing as it was the father of one of our old youth kids. He wasn't in an accident, wasn't sick, had no chance of saying goodbye. He just went in for a routine surgery that is done all the time and unfortunately never walked out.
One thing said during the service that really stuck in my head was this.
"Each one of you kids has a precious gift up here in your head. That gift is a story that contains every special moment ever shared between you and your father. Know this, your father loved each one of you dearly, he talked highly of you and cherished his moments with you." "Now, you with friends and loved ones, what kind of stories will you leave behind? How did you leave your loved ones today? Did you give a hug, say I love you, or did you leave in a matter you wouldn't be proud of?"
I immediately thought how we left for the funeral. This is what our kids would have remembered ....
Blaine and I joked about how he hogged all the spaghetti with sauce for himself and left us the plain noodles. Blaine taught Malakai how to climb up with his feet in an entrance way. This led to everyone giving a go at it. Then as I went downstairs to get ready I could hear Blaine and the kids wrestling (loudly I might add) upstairs. The reaction was loads of roaring laughter. I remember giving quick instructions of behavior while we were gone and then as we were walking out the door, Blaine stopped looked at me and said "you look beautiful." Off we headed to the car with a quick bye to Malakai, a "stay safe" and "I Love you!" I think we may have added a good page with this afternoon.
Makes me wonder though what others will say at my funeral. Makes me think harder about how I leave people, end conversations and think harder before I speak.
One thing said during the service that really stuck in my head was this.
"Each one of you kids has a precious gift up here in your head. That gift is a story that contains every special moment ever shared between you and your father. Know this, your father loved each one of you dearly, he talked highly of you and cherished his moments with you." "Now, you with friends and loved ones, what kind of stories will you leave behind? How did you leave your loved ones today? Did you give a hug, say I love you, or did you leave in a matter you wouldn't be proud of?"
I immediately thought how we left for the funeral. This is what our kids would have remembered ....
Blaine and I joked about how he hogged all the spaghetti with sauce for himself and left us the plain noodles. Blaine taught Malakai how to climb up with his feet in an entrance way. This led to everyone giving a go at it. Then as I went downstairs to get ready I could hear Blaine and the kids wrestling (loudly I might add) upstairs. The reaction was loads of roaring laughter. I remember giving quick instructions of behavior while we were gone and then as we were walking out the door, Blaine stopped looked at me and said "you look beautiful." Off we headed to the car with a quick bye to Malakai, a "stay safe" and "I Love you!" I think we may have added a good page with this afternoon.
Makes me wonder though what others will say at my funeral. Makes me think harder about how I leave people, end conversations and think harder before I speak.
Aug 11, 2010
The end of summer is nearing
The end of summer is nearing and TODAY I am excited. The kids will be headed back to routine, work will pick up again and Blaine will go back to 8 hour days (thank goodness!).
TOMORROW I may be dissapointed, I like camping with the kids, nature hikes, late nights and no homework.
Last night Blaine and I took just 3 hours away to share a simple conversation over 25 cent wings and lemonaid.
This summer has been fun. Over the summer We have enjoyed entertaining again, BBQ's, celebrations and family dinners. The kids and I were enspired to "BE" the church outside the church so we volunteered to help the seniors with BINGO on Wednesday nights. It brings back memories of when I was a kid and helped at my moms work. We spent a lot of time with family (maybe even too much) pitching together to help dad with the house. My neice Stephanie has been staying with us during the week to watch the kids while we work. While I freak out over messy rooms and unkept kids, I need to step back and realize they are having a great summer. The kids love having someone play endless babies, barbies and imagination with them.
Ginny turns 9 in two weeks. Looking back hurts a little more than normal right now. Last month Blaine (now known as the Eraser) tried to clean up my computer because it was acting up. Unfortunately the pictures, songs, videos and so much more that he "moved" over to the external hard drive, didn't actually make it over before he wiped it clean. Weeks later, the pro's found some images and managed to move them over to an external hard drive but what really remains I have yet to determine. As far as the computer goes, we need to save for a new one.
Malakai has been seen by a naturopathic doctor and has been found to have a copper deficiancy. After months of supplements, I am finally getting the snuggles, hugs and "I love you's again." I missed them dearly.
Keegan has grown an attitude over the summer. He has also grown a back bone, enabling him to say NO a little firmer and louder. I am reminded of how he is no longer a kid and needs to be let loose a little more.
Blaine and I decided to take a weeks holiday at the end of August. We talked about it for so long that we finally just decided to do it. We aren't going anywere, just staying home and relaxing! We may not send the kids back on the first or we may send them back to school and just take that time for eachother. Either way, it is one last way to keep our summer special.
TOMORROW I may be dissapointed, I like camping with the kids, nature hikes, late nights and no homework.
Last night Blaine and I took just 3 hours away to share a simple conversation over 25 cent wings and lemonaid.
This summer has been fun. Over the summer We have enjoyed entertaining again, BBQ's, celebrations and family dinners. The kids and I were enspired to "BE" the church outside the church so we volunteered to help the seniors with BINGO on Wednesday nights. It brings back memories of when I was a kid and helped at my moms work. We spent a lot of time with family (maybe even too much) pitching together to help dad with the house. My neice Stephanie has been staying with us during the week to watch the kids while we work. While I freak out over messy rooms and unkept kids, I need to step back and realize they are having a great summer. The kids love having someone play endless babies, barbies and imagination with them.
Ginny turns 9 in two weeks. Looking back hurts a little more than normal right now. Last month Blaine (now known as the Eraser) tried to clean up my computer because it was acting up. Unfortunately the pictures, songs, videos and so much more that he "moved" over to the external hard drive, didn't actually make it over before he wiped it clean. Weeks later, the pro's found some images and managed to move them over to an external hard drive but what really remains I have yet to determine. As far as the computer goes, we need to save for a new one.
Malakai has been seen by a naturopathic doctor and has been found to have a copper deficiancy. After months of supplements, I am finally getting the snuggles, hugs and "I love you's again." I missed them dearly.
Keegan has grown an attitude over the summer. He has also grown a back bone, enabling him to say NO a little firmer and louder. I am reminded of how he is no longer a kid and needs to be let loose a little more.
Blaine and I decided to take a weeks holiday at the end of August. We talked about it for so long that we finally just decided to do it. We aren't going anywere, just staying home and relaxing! We may not send the kids back on the first or we may send them back to school and just take that time for eachother. Either way, it is one last way to keep our summer special.
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