A love so deep

There have been so many times that I have wanted to journal something exciting, something sad, or even something funny but another "something" always holds me back.  If I continued on like it never happened there would always be a hole ... That missing entry.  Funny how there will always be a hole regardless of me writing about it or not.  Not many carry on with blogs anymore.  Life has moved on to newer, faster paced ways of keeping up but I continue on writing mainly for my children.  I want to leave a legacy where they can always look back and remember me, know me and see my passions and my heart.  So, that being said Here is my attempt at making sure there is no hole....

When I was younger I knew my mom was sick.  I knew her heart was weak but every surgery she went for I would see the calmness in her face, hear the trust in faith and just know that it would be alright.  I remember doing the math though.  I remember thinking that not many people make it until they are 100 so technically my mom would have to leave me by the time I was at least 45.  Then of course my heart would race a little as the thought of it happening sooner would scare me.  When I had our precious baby girl and mom got sicker I did the math again wondering how long she would get to enjoy her grandchildren.  Never once did I thoroughly understand how it would feel if she were to find her forever home when I was 35.  Never once did I ever think that my dad would soon follow.

My dad was always so strong in my eyes.  He built our house with his own two hands.  There were no huge tractors or cranes found working in our yard.  I think the biggest piece of equipment I ever saw was a small cement machine that kept circulating while my dad hauled wheel barrow by wheel barrow of cement, creating our basement.  I loved to go to work with him.  The two of us were always found hand in hand, or side by side.  He was a quiet man who would often not talk to you for days if you made him mad enough.  He loved to give generously and graciously.  He had an adventurous spirit and enjoyed hiking on Sunday afternoons or climbing a mountain at quarter to midnight to watch a meteor shower.  He taught me to be brave.  I loved to see him pinch my mom lightly on the bum and make her holler with a smile on her face.  He loved to tease.  As I grew older and and our kids began to grow older I missed our close relationship but I loved to see him with the kids.  He built Keegan a little "bug" house that he could go sit in and play with his bugs.  Dad would drive mom nuts for when she always said NO!  He always said YES!  He was my Shatze (Treasure) through and through.

On March 28, only one year and 7 days after my mom passed away my dad couldn't help but say goodbye as well.  Mom always said "If I go first, I just know he will die of a broken heart."  Dad was sick but I think the sickness only made it easier to say goodbye and be reunited once again with the love of his life.  It is so different to grieve the loss of another parent, so close to the other but I do believe that I have been grieving them both the day my mom slipped away.  I treasure the fact that I was able to be with them both as they closed their eyes for the very last time.  It broke my heart to be left without them but it brought such peace to know that in that instant they were far better off.

I am at peace now, more than I was this time a year ago.  I look forward to happy days spent camping in the summer with the kids.  I am enjoying this short time of fresh air as my job for caring for my parents has now finished ... But oh how I miss them both.  I miss the assisted living apartment that they called home for only a short while, and as silly as it sounds, I miss going to the hospital to visit them.  I find a deep urge to pick up the phone and call them on my lunch break, and my mind is constantly playing back memories like a slide show full of life.

There will forever be a hole in my heart where the missing pieces remain in heaven but as time goes by a soft layer of comfort will begin to stitch over that hole.  The loss will remain deep inside but with healing, it will someday be only a simple reminder of a love being so deep it couldn't keep two people apart.  

Humble Pie

Unfortunately parent teacher interviews and report cards are never the highlight of our year.  This time as I sat in the little circle of the gym with teachers all around me I felt like a failure as a mother.  Missed assignments, poor exam marks and a lack of participation were the ingredients to very poor marks.  Of course it has to be our fault because for the last two years of interviews all we have heard are how pleasant our kids are and how they always have a smile on their face.  Why that smile is saved for the outside world and not us is beyond my understanding.  Parent by parent made their way up to these teachers with smiles on their faces and laughter in their voices.  I wanted to explain myself.  I wanted to have a reason why our children don't have awesome marks.  I wanted to ask them if they had a yelling match with their kids before they left for these interviews.  I wanted to share all the reasons why my child was struggling and why I just couldn't find the time night after night to explain what should have been explained in the classroom.  I wanted to get angry with the teachers, having someone to blame expecting more from them just like I expect more from my children.  I thought of pulling my kids out of school  then and there and telling them we were done for the year.  But then what good would that do?  We would only end up worse off than we are now. So one by one I watched and waited.  Its a silly process, having interviews with your child out there in the open.  The whole school system is stressing me out with all the changes that are taking place.  I fear for my children as they struggle right now.  I have prayed often that we would make the right choices for our children when it comes to school but I have often felt like my prayers were not being answered.  What will happen to them in the next few years when the changes really begin to happen?  They are so far ahead that they will be extremely effected.    I couldn't handle it anymore.  I had to get out of that fish bowl.   Finally it was our turn.  I put up my front and braced myself to be strong and firm.  From the moment we sat down I knew that something was different.  This time the teacher was holding our child accountable.  It was as though she were sitting in our living room listening to our feisty child express their feelings prior to the interview.  This teacher explained how we are a team and right now it may seem like its all about rules and regulations but the real truth is that our child should feel lucky to have parents like us.  They should be glad that we care enough to show up to these interviews and to make sure that they have their homework done.  They should know that our harping of being organized and responsible is only stepping stones to better their future.  Shortly after that we met with another teacher who greeted us by extending their hand and formally introducing themselves.  My initial thoughts on this teacher were wrong and I was sincerely, inwardly apologetic.  Once again our child was held accountable.  They were called out for the smirk they were wearing on their face.  It was no longer seen as a happy smile but a smirk that showed that they knew that the teacher was right.  That the behaviour shown at school was nothing like the behaviour at home and that this behaviour was uncalled for.  This teacher explained something that we have always told our children.  A teachers job is to teach in the classroom and to make sure the student understands.  A parents job is to go to work, and make a living to provide a safe environment for our family.  The students job is to go to school and learn.  Of course coming from a teacher rather than a parent makes it a whole lot easier to understand.  This teacher held our child accountable with a contract that was signed by all four of us with goals that had to be met by the end of June.  The last time I heard or experienced anything like that was when I was in grade school and my principal threatened to strap me because I cheated on my school work.  I was not expected to see these teachers join us and stand with us.  My prayers felt answered and I felt like I was not as alone as I had initially thought I was.  I was basically served a large slice of humble pie.            

Some day!

There will be some days in our lives where we will hit road bumps, quicksand, hurricanes and many other natural disasters (metaphorically speaking).  There will be some days when things are going absolutely amazing and it seems as though the sun is rising only moments after it set and then there are times when the darkness just never seems to go away.

I got a text from a friend the other day.  Oddly enough, this text was regarding another friend ..."I sure admire her for asking for help when she needs it."  Those words screamed out at me.  They echoed in my head like a stone dropped into an empty well.         

For a very long time I have lived in and amongst many natural disasters.  There have been so many times when the world surrounding me has been so dark that I fought with everything in me to shred just the tiniest hole so that some sunlight could peak in.  My emotions have been rocked so hard that I can't even remember what normal is anymore.  The whole while I accepted so many acts of kindness and gifts of love but when asked "what can I do to help?"  All I could think of was ... "Make it all better."

I know my pain shows on the outside.  People comment about how they can tell when I am upset. Some have even been as bold to say ... "I miss you!"  Of course me being a people pleaser, phrases like this make me feel even more helpless. Every ounce of my being has been soaked up in caring for my family and now I have to be extra careful of what I say, my facial expressions and my outward appearance.  I don't even know anymore how many times I have dealt with utter chaos only moments before an event where I have had to pick myself up, dust myself off, wipe away the tears and put a smile on my face.   "It's show time!"  

The truth is ... I have been grieving for years now.  I won't get into detail of all of my losses but I will tell you that you don't know grief until you have walked in the shadows of it.  It doesn't always have to be a loss of life either.  Grief can also be felt with the loss of a job, a great friend moving away, losing a life long habit etc. etc.  

Obviously my main grief has been the loss of my mom, even before she passed away and directly after, the loss of my dad.  He has not passed away but to watch him ache with emotional pain and deal with physical sickness I feel that I started to lose him the day I lost my sweet mother.   

Unfortunately its not over.   I want it to be over.  You have NO IDEA how much I want it to be over.  I took a lot of loss before I finally felt like my emotional strength just couldn't keep up.  Often people have wondered why I take all this on.  Some have even commented about how "others don't take care of their parents like I do."  What can I say?  My heart is a compassionate one.  I have always empathized as a child with people who were sick or hurting.  I ache to help them.   Perhaps some day when I am in need of care someone will care for me the way that I have cared for others

Right now my heart aches for my dad.  He lays in his bed 24 hours a day.  Not watching t.v, not sitting up, just lying there.  I wonder what he thinks about.  I know he prays to go to his heavenly home to be with his honey.  How long does he have to wait till God answers his prayers?  How long do I have to endure this pain before his prayers are answered?  I shouldn't complain though.  He totally and completely believes that he is pain free.  Its not even like he isn't telling me because he wants to be brave either. Today I felt my patience slipping ... "Get up, you know you can.  Why don't you?"  No matter how much I beg or bribe he just won't budge.  This is not the dad that I knew.  He is in there somewhere but I think the better part of him left a long time ago.  

No one can help me the way that I need help right now.  No once can tell me how long this will go on for.  No one can tell me when this grievance will end.  My Job right now is to pick myself up, dust myself off, wipe my tears, put a smile of my face and care for/sit with the man who has been my father, the strongest man I know.  He held my hand when I was little, he carried me when I was sick, he called me his treasure.  I will treasure this man until his prayers are answered and forever more.  

Some day the darkness will be gone and the sunshine will be strong and steady.  I relish in that someday.