There have been so many times that I have wanted to journal something exciting, something sad, or even something funny but another "something" always holds me back. If I continued on like it never happened there would always be a hole ... That missing entry. Funny how there will always be a hole regardless of me writing about it or not. Not many carry on with blogs anymore. Life has moved on to newer, faster paced ways of keeping up but I continue on writing mainly for my children. I want to leave a legacy where they can always look back and remember me, know me and see my passions and my heart. So, that being said Here is my attempt at making sure there is no hole....
When I was younger I knew my mom was sick. I knew her heart was weak but every surgery she went for I would see the calmness in her face, hear the trust in faith and just know that it would be alright. I remember doing the math though. I remember thinking that not many people make it until they are 100 so technically my mom would have to leave me by the time I was at least 45. Then of course my heart would race a little as the thought of it happening sooner would scare me. When I had our precious baby girl and mom got sicker I did the math again wondering how long she would get to enjoy her grandchildren. Never once did I thoroughly understand how it would feel if she were to find her forever home when I was 35. Never once did I ever think that my dad would soon follow.
My dad was always so strong in my eyes. He built our house with his own two hands. There were no huge tractors or cranes found working in our yard. I think the biggest piece of equipment I ever saw was a small cement machine that kept circulating while my dad hauled wheel barrow by wheel barrow of cement, creating our basement. I loved to go to work with him. The two of us were always found hand in hand, or side by side. He was a quiet man who would often not talk to you for days if you made him mad enough. He loved to give generously and graciously. He had an adventurous spirit and enjoyed hiking on Sunday afternoons or climbing a mountain at quarter to midnight to watch a meteor shower. He taught me to be brave. I loved to see him pinch my mom lightly on the bum and make her holler with a smile on her face. He loved to tease. As I grew older and and our kids began to grow older I missed our close relationship but I loved to see him with the kids. He built Keegan a little "bug" house that he could go sit in and play with his bugs. Dad would drive mom nuts for when she always said NO! He always said YES! He was my Shatze (Treasure) through and through.
On March 28, only one year and 7 days after my mom passed away my dad couldn't help but say goodbye as well. Mom always said "If I go first, I just know he will die of a broken heart." Dad was sick but I think the sickness only made it easier to say goodbye and be reunited once again with the love of his life. It is so different to grieve the loss of another parent, so close to the other but I do believe that I have been grieving them both the day my mom slipped away. I treasure the fact that I was able to be with them both as they closed their eyes for the very last time. It broke my heart to be left without them but it brought such peace to know that in that instant they were far better off.
I am at peace now, more than I was this time a year ago. I look forward to happy days spent camping in the summer with the kids. I am enjoying this short time of fresh air as my job for caring for my parents has now finished ... But oh how I miss them both. I miss the assisted living apartment that they called home for only a short while, and as silly as it sounds, I miss going to the hospital to visit them. I find a deep urge to pick up the phone and call them on my lunch break, and my mind is constantly playing back memories like a slide show full of life.
There will forever be a hole in my heart where the missing pieces remain in heaven but as time goes by a soft layer of comfort will begin to stitch over that hole. The loss will remain deep inside but with healing, it will someday be only a simple reminder of a love being so deep it couldn't keep two people apart.
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