Feeling Full!

I am a little behind on my blogging so I may jump around a bit in the next few posts but tonight as I turned off the t.v, took a look around at my kitchen that has recently had a deep clean, made my way through the entry way and up the stairs to our bedroom I felt ... Full.  :) Proud in a sense.  I love our home.  I love the fire place on a cool fall evening.  I love knowing that our hot tub on the deck is only a few steps away.  I love going to bed with a freshly cleaned/organized house.  I love waking up to an empty sink.

I remembered that I had opened Keegan's window today to let some fresh air in so when I went to close it I could hear the familiar sound of music coming from Malakai's room.  :) Every night before bed he turns his christian music on very low so he can fall asleep to it.  I don't know what has gotten into him in the last few months but before, he used to throw the biggest fit when you told him it was bed time.  Lately he gets mad if you let time go by and forget to tell him to go to sleep.  Now when you tell him its bed time, he listens right away and heads straight up to bed with no arguing.

As I turned off his music, I couldn't help but smile.  There he was, all tucked up in the corner of his new bed.

As crazy as today started out, and with how uneasy I felt for the better part of the day.  I ended on a very different not.  

Tonight I have that genuine warm and fuzzy feeling.  Tonight my heart feels full!

16 years

16 years ago today you came into this world standing tall!  No really! 16 years ago at this exact time I was laying in a hospital bed, beginning the first stages of labour.  My water had broken at home, noting our cue to head to the hospital.  To our surprise and horror, the doctor soon realized that you were not about to follow the rules of being born and you decided that you were going to come out feet first instead of head first.  This makes me laugh right now because with your personality it doesn't surprise me.  There is no way you would dive into anything head first.  You have been a cautious boy since the day you were born.  It was such a struggle dealing with your fears and your worries as you were younger.  Sometimes it still is, but those fears and worries have made you think things over carefully and they have given you strength in the decisions that you make.  You are very strong willed young man.  When you want something you go for it.  You have a tender heart and you like to hold emotions in so no one can see how much you really are hurting.  It took me 14 years to really see that.  The day your Opa moved to heaven was the hardest time for you and it broke my heart to see you weep as hard as you did.  I want to you to always remember ... It's ok to cry.  It's ok to show that you are hurt.  Never let go of your tender heart, it's what gives you compassion.

When you were only 15 months old you quickly became interested in insects.  It came to point that you were always out searching for insects.  Soon ants became your passion.  To this day, I have no idea how these ants will come to play in your future but for 15 years we have watched you develop an understanding and research these creatures so much that you are actually able to breed them.  This to me is crazy.  Your sense of adventure is lacking but your wisdom to research everything is crazy.  Keep searching, gaining knowledge is what will help you get by in your life as an adult. 

I am proud of you for standing tall in what you believe.  I am proud of you for not touching alcohol, or cigarettes.  I am proud of you for following our rules about dating.   You are an amazing young man.

Keegan, let me share something with you.  16 years ago we stood in front of the church and dedicated  you to the Lord.  We promised God that we would raise you in a home where Gods name would be spoken regularly, a home where we would go to church as a family and feed you spiritually.  We pray that we have done our part well enough that you will have the foundation that you need to move on into adult hood.  You are going to fail.   There will come a point in your life where you will make a bad choice, or do something terribly wrong.  Remember in that time.  GOD WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!! WE will ALWAYS love you! Remember to ask for forgiveness for your mistakes.  Remember to keep God close to your side.  The world may crumble around you.  Your friends may leave you, and your family may not understand you but God created you the way you were meant to be.  He has a purpose for you, and he will NEVER leave you.

On the very day that you were dedicated, our pastor wrote you a letter that was to be opened on your 16th birthday.  I kept that letter safe for 16 years.  I never opened it once.  To sit with you this morning and open that letter and read the words that were carefully thought out for you brings tears to my eyes.  I can't imagine what the world might be like for your child.  I can't imagine the things that your child might have to endure or see.  I pray that you will be a good father like your father has been to you.  I pray that you will be the spiritual leader in your family.  I pray that God will be the foundation of your life.  

Hang on tight my boy!! We have many more birthdays to go.

Love, Mom 

Heaven is my home

Yesterday was my last day of my mentorship.  This is both exciting and scary. :)  They have full confidence that I will do fine ... Now its my turn to believe them.  Yesterday was a good mix of everything so I am grateful to get a taste of it all.

A big part of my job is keeping everything confidential so for the sake of privacy I will call my patient Journey.  what I am about to share will not have details but it touched my heart deeply.

Our call was to a hospital to transfer Journey home to palliative care.  As we entered the room I noticed that Journey had a family member there and their was a bible at the foot of the bed.  Journey was very soft spoken and weak.  It was clear that Journey lived a long life, and I wonder now what difficulties they may have had to endure or watch in the course of their lifetime.

Our job of course was to provide as much comfort as we could.  Journey immediately held onto my hand with a surprisingly strong grip and didn't want to let go.  Our transfer was quiet and little words were exchanged.  When we arrived and got Journey settled, the grip once again returned.  "I am going home Journey said."  I heard the words clear as day but for some reason I needed to hear them again to be sure.  "You are home" I said.  "No, I am going HOME!"  Journey exclaimed.  It was then that Journey pointed up to heaven.  "I am going home ... to heaven." Journey announced.  I smiled.  I knew then that my intuitions were correct.  Journey was a believer and knew that there was a better place to be after this.

Now, the unspoken/spoken rule of the normal workplace is that you are not allowed to share your faith with fellow employees, customers etc.  They have every right to complain about you and your job could potentially be on the line.  In this situation I felt it was fair to say something since it was the patient who brought it up and we obviously we share the same faith.

I leaned close to Journey's ear and whispered "Jesus Loves You!"  Journey broke out into a huge smile, and with a nod of the head said ... "Jesus Loves You too my dear."  The dams of water immediately began to fill and I was on a mission to hold them back. :) I assured Journey that I would pray for comfort throughout the wait.  I told Journey that my mom and dad were in heaven and with an even larger smile Journey said "Oh my dear ... My mom and dad are in heaven as well."  I told Journey that "I bet knowing you get to see your parents again after all this time is the best thing ever." Journey smiled again and with a slow nod of the head agreed. "it sure is!!!" said Journey.

Our little conversation only took minutes but as I look back today, it feels like hours.  I wish that I could have stayed and learned the story behind Journey's life.  I will have no idea of how long Journey will remain in that bed but I have great confidence that a very special journey to heaven has begun.