Stuck in the middle.

Since I joined the fire department I have been able to remain friends with a core group of firefighter wives.  The four of us sit together at gala's, go to the movies together and often converse together on facebook.  They respect that I love being on the fire side of things and they accept me as a fireman's wife as well.  This has never been an issue until recently. 

Every month or so the firefighter wives get together for an evening of gabbing, venting and laughing.  Since this months event was hosted by one of of our four they insisted that I come.  The only reason I hesitated was because it was on a training night and I hate to miss training.  Firefighting is my second job and it is important to stay on top of training.  Somehow though I took the bait and went to hang out with the ladies. 

Unfortunately I was still on call and when someone at the hall keyed the mic and my pager echoed it all eyes turned to me.  When they started talking about chief and his military style I felt some women look at me and wonder what I would say.  When they started relenting about the pagers going off and how they were left wide eyed and awake with the forgotten pager by their bed side, my mind went to us jumping into the truck all realizing that non of us brought our pagers.  Then they talked about the upcoming spousal event that I am not invited to because I am now a firefighter.  There were moments where I felt I didn't belong.  Moments when I wanted to go the hall and dive into training. There were also moments where I was glad to have a good laugh and get to know some amazing women. 

As my mind was filled with mixed thoughts I began to assess this group.  There were 8 of us.  8 women all living separate lives, filled with separate responsibilities and separate fears.  Not everyone knew that one of those women was watching the clock countdown to today when she will learn if she is FINALLY pregnant or not.  Not everyone knew that another women was dreading today as she would be getting one of her breasts removed.  Many could not relate to the stay at home mom who was dreading jury duty as it would take her away from her kids and probably no one knew how special it meant that they all showed up in support of the honored host.  To be honest I hope no one knew that I felt a little out of my element that once used to feel so familiar.

Blaine knew though, how torn I felt about this entire evening.  I think that was why him and another buddy decided to crash our "girls only night" by walking in as Fire Men arriving for entertainment.  My heart filled with Joy when I saw him in the ever so familiar suit.  The suit of protection. The suit of comfort.  The suit I chose not to wear that evening.

In the end I ended up missing a great night of hose training which I really needed to learn but I also learned a lot about some very special ladies and I also learned that it is tough being stuck in the middle.